Literally an aussie in Cornwall: King Arthur’s scam
The village of Tintagel is a tourist hot spot.
Why, because the legend of King Arthur may have been from there.
Ofcourse it’s doubtful the old fella really existed, but if he did, Tintagel could have been his home.
That is the tricky bit for the town.
They would have done the research and would know he probably doesn’t exist.
But, without King Arthur they have nothing.
So they do their best to choke the legend for all its worth.
On the main drag their are about 4 or 5 places named after him.
And a shop full of china cats.
I was a little disappointed that there was no place called Krazy King Arthur’s discount car radios though.
Then you get down to where the castle was, and before you start there is a video on the history of the legend.
I expected a tourist hype up.
Instead they poor a bucket of piss all over the legend, all but say the dude probably didn’t exist, and talk about some boring dude in the 1400′s who built the caste you are about to see.
Then you waddle on up there, making sure not to trip on the dogs.
And you see what can only be described as craptacular remains of a castle, and a great coastal view.
No round table, no excaliburs, just dog shits, a couple of walls, and the ocean.
Personally i was happy to go there, not for the tourist stuff, but they had a very good full english at the pub.
And another thing that pissed me off in cornwall in general was parking.
You have to pay for parking in half the towns.
Little bum fuck towns like Bodmin and Tintagel, and they charge you.
It’s not much, its like a quid for 3 weeks, but it means you have to find the machine, work out the machine, go back to your car.
Piddly shit.
Literally an aussie in Cornwall: dogs
Cornwall is an interesting place.
No big towns.
Windy roads with hedges giving a claustrophobic feel.
Friendly people who say juurnee.
And dogs.
So many dogs.
Almost all the “tourist attractions” had in their literature the phrase dog friendly.
Even the ones that clearly weren’t, like Bodmin Jail.
In one afternoon in Tintagel, a coastal town I will discuss later, I saw more dogs than I had ever seen before.
Don’t believe me.
Well….
these 3 i took from inside the bar
this one rode in a 4wd with me, it smelt nice,
this one is dressed, cruelty to animals
this one was in the pub, and came under our table, i gave it a little kick in the throat for fun
This is about 1/5th of the dogs i saw in 3 hours.
True story.
Literally an aussie in Cornwall: !
Cornwall has a town with an exclamation point in it.
Westward Ho!
I am not sure if the ! is there so it doesn’t sound like you are slagging off a actress going to hollywood or not.
Would Elaine Benes like to live in Westward Ho!, i would like to think so.
It was damp and chilly afternoon so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!
I pulled the lever on the machine, but the Clark bar didn’t come out!
Cornwall seems to be a place for stories about punctuation, and grammar.
That is England though.
Even on Holiday punctuation is everywhere.
I have only ever had one Australian friend so anal about punctuation that he would mention it at all, but over there, everyone is all over it.
It sickens me.
I make up my own punctuation, spelling and language, very rarely on purpose.
And regardless of the ! i would still yell out Westward HO and possibly i would point as well.
That is the sort of person i am.
Cornwall has alot of stupidly named places, but the other villages had the good grace to not put in a !.
My two favourite cornish places are scredda, and brown willy.
Scredda cause i like to say it.
And Brown Willy because of the anal sex jokes it allows, nay, encourages.
Literally an aussie in Cornwall: mens breakfast
I saw this sign in deepest darkest Cornwall.
I have come up with a few possible explanations of a Mens Breakfast.
Something involving, cigars, whiskey, bacon, eggs, and breasts.
Being that it is in a church, it could be lubed up naked altar boys servicing men in the morning, with a full English breakfast.
A bunch of boring Christians eating cereal and talking about how hard it is to be a Christian in this day and age.
A beans breakfast where farting and beer are not only allowed, but are encouraged.
A bunch of old widowers talking about their best sex they have ever had while eating a BBQ breakfast and watching hardcore porn.
Or all of the above.
And for the anal people out there, it could be a place people who eat toast and talk about how much they hate possessive apostrophes.
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