are the cats in with the squirrels?
Obviously me and the squirrel community of South London are locked in some sort of death spiral.
But they were the only animal I had any issue with.
This may no longer be the case, as you may remember I had a trainer cat here recently taking me through the ropes.
This cat showed me that typing was not a way of making money but purely a way of entertaining the cat.
Sadly, I may not have entertained the cat enough.
One day when returning to the house I sniffed a rather shitty odour.
That odour was gas, lots and lots of gas.
It was hard to breathe in it, and I couldn’t stop coughing.
Quickly I made my way to the kitchen and found one of the hot plate knobs switched to full gas.
I may not be Vincent D’Onofrio, but the cat hair that was all around the knob made deduction pretty fucken simple.
While I was opening windows I found the cat, looking vibrant and full of life, playing with a ball in the lounge room.
Clearly this gas was not affecting him in the way it was me.
That is when I realised this was not an accident.
This fucker was out to get me, and it was no coincidence that this was his last day in the house.
But there will be another cat, and being that all cats essentially share the one consciousness, this one already knows my strengths and weaknesses.
The bastard.
Stay tuned, I won’t go out quietly
am i crazy, or aware
Recently on one of my trips to the park to “jog” I saw a squirrel.
Without wanting to alarm you, this happens quite often.
This day I was just leaving the park from my gruelling work out, and this fucking monstrous squirrel crosses in front of me.
And it stops, about 2 metres from me also about the same distance from another guy.
The other guy keeps walking, but I stop, the squirrel then darts off the foot path and I walk off.
As the dude passes I give him the look of, well done, you survived that, and I nod to the squirrel.
And this guy just looks at me weird, like I am some nutcase in parks who nods for no reasons.
What is wrong with people, first he tempts fate with the squirrel, and then he thinks I am the crazy one.
What a fucken weirdo.
I am sure the squirrel would agree with me on that.
the squirrel and the bin
Recently, while in my local park, I sat down on a bench.
Nothing too out the ordinary there.
I started off feeling very comfortable, then I felt a dark presence behind me, and I turned to see a squirrel the size of a large little person running at full steam.
He ignored me at took a running jump onto the bin beside the seat. There he snuck his trout in and looked for the best food.
After a little while he came up empty, and that is when he realised I was looking at him.
He gave me that sarcastic look that only squirrels can truly master, and I tried to look at him with my best fuck you stare.
Then a bunch of crows came in like it was some Hitchcock film that had birds in it.
I assumed that squirrels and crows would be natural enemies, I was wrong.
The squirrel and the crows then worked in some sort of duet, and between them dragged out food and sort of shared it.
Crows, as many a horror film has taught us, are evil.
So to me this just proved that squirrels are evil as well.
I left the bench, the whole thing was a little too eerie for me.
My new Ashes book.
Killer Squirrel seen savaging fruit bat and laughing manically
I told you they were evil.
But you do gooders wouldn’t let me kill the fuckers.
The Squirrels are gonna kill you, your family, and use your tooth brush, mark my words.
Look at this article.
They are killing bats, bats, fucken bats, you children are surely next.
“The squirrel had the bat in its mouth, or it was at least biting it, and then the bat went quiet for a while and then starting flapping its wings again.”
Imagine if that was your loved one.
Scary.
Bats are scary fuckers, but this squirrel didn’t care, he was fucken homicidal, and this will only get worse.
While I was in france I saw this:
Watch your back.
Thanks to Simon for the Squirrel killing the bat story. Contrary to popular opinion I don’t troll the net for Squirrel stories.
long grass
The other day I was walking around and I found myself in long grass. Not long long, but knee high.
Suddenly my childhood instinct kicked in and I moved back to where the low grass was.
Why?
Because I was worried there might be snakes in the grass.
In Australia, especially in the dry northern suburbs of Melbourne, long grass means “poisonous will-kill-you-for-accidentally-stepping-on-it snakes”.
Here I was in urban London, worried a Tiger snake was gonna latch on to me.
Where I grew up long grass was a no go area, especially if you saw the grass move oddly.
Golf balls were lost, pants were sullied, and more than a few lizards were mistaken for their killer cousins.
England does have one poisonous snake, The Adder (Vipera berus).
It has killed ten people in the last 49 years.
Not a great strike rate.
And they aren’t a London based snake either, they are based, I can’t be bothered looking it up, but not in London, so it clearly doesn’t matter to me.
There are very few things that kill you ever here, squirrels, buses to close to the curbs, fried chicken, and adders.
But I bet the next time I am walking somewhere with long grass I bet I’ll jump out of it.
One more killer squirrel
It has been a long time since I have written about the killer squirrels.
Ofcourse I have seen them around alot.
That’s right squirrels, I fucken see you, in the trees with your red ragey eyes looking at me, I just choose to ignore you.
A few days back I couldn’t help but notice the little violent fucker, as I walked too close to a tree, and one dropped out right in front of me.
We both froze.
We both knew the score, I am the natural enemy of the squirrel.
There i stood with a cricket ball in my hand, and there he stood with the look of a million serial killers in his eyes.
Violence was bound to ensue.
Out of nowhere a football hit the fence, in broke our stand off, and he did the bolt.
This was not a victory to me, it was more like how king kong “won” his fight against Godzilla.
One thing is for sure, the feud between me and the squirrels is far from over.
-
Recent Comments
CeCe on It aint no raptor claw, it… Nicole on It aint no raptor claw, it… Chris on It aint no raptor claw, it… pam on It aint no raptor claw, it… Sam on It aint no raptor claw, it…
my latest book
-
My Photos
More Photos
