Sri Lanka’s elephants
Had you asked me what I thought of Elephants before I went to Sri Lanka, I probably would have given you a blank look.
I had no opinion on elephants at all. Things have changed now.
Apparently there are about 3000 elephants in Sri Lanka, I felt like I saw more than that.
We saw them in the wild, walking through the city, about a million times at Perahera and even more at the Elephant Orphanage (which is not as sad as it sounds).
Everytime I saw a bunch of elephants, I thought I’d seen enough.
But then the next time I’d be happy to see them again.
I wouldn’t say I’m an elephant man now, although I am not sure what that would entail anyway, but I liked them, except the one who tried to take my camera.
So here are my elephant pics.
My favourite elephant sign.
The pensive big fella.
The Lovers.
The posers.
Elephant asses.
Mama and baby.
The bastard who tried to take my camera.
I definitely prefer elephants to squirrels.
are the cats in with the squirrels?
Obviously me and the squirrel community of South London are locked in some sort of death spiral.
But they were the only animal I had any issue with.
This may no longer be the case, as you may remember I had a trainer cat here recently taking me through the ropes.
This cat showed me that typing was not a way of making money but purely a way of entertaining the cat.
Sadly, I may not have entertained the cat enough.
One day when returning to the house I sniffed a rather shitty odour.
That odour was gas, lots and lots of gas.
It was hard to breathe in it, and I couldn’t stop coughing.
Quickly I made my way to the kitchen and found one of the hot plate knobs switched to full gas.
I may not be Vincent D’Onofrio, but the cat hair that was all around the knob made deduction pretty fucken simple.
While I was opening windows I found the cat, looking vibrant and full of life, playing with a ball in the lounge room.
Clearly this gas was not affecting him in the way it was me.
That is when I realised this was not an accident.
This fucker was out to get me, and it was no coincidence that this was his last day in the house.
But there will be another cat, and being that all cats essentially share the one consciousness, this one already knows my strengths and weaknesses.
The bastard.
Stay tuned, I won’t go out quietly
am i crazy, or aware
Recently on one of my trips to the park to “jog” I saw a squirrel.
Without wanting to alarm you, this happens quite often.
This day I was just leaving the park from my gruelling work out, and this fucking monstrous squirrel crosses in front of me.
And it stops, about 2 metres from me also about the same distance from another guy.
The other guy keeps walking, but I stop, the squirrel then darts off the foot path and I walk off.
As the dude passes I give him the look of, well done, you survived that, and I nod to the squirrel.
And this guy just looks at me weird, like I am some nutcase in parks who nods for no reasons.
What is wrong with people, first he tempts fate with the squirrel, and then he thinks I am the crazy one.
What a fucken weirdo.
I am sure the squirrel would agree with me on that.
the squirrel and the bin
Recently, while in my local park, I sat down on a bench.
Nothing too out the ordinary there.
I started off feeling very comfortable, then I felt a dark presence behind me, and I turned to see a squirrel the size of a large little person running at full steam.
He ignored me at took a running jump onto the bin beside the seat. There he snuck his trout in and looked for the best food.
After a little while he came up empty, and that is when he realised I was looking at him.
He gave me that sarcastic look that only squirrels can truly master, and I tried to look at him with my best fuck you stare.
Then a bunch of crows came in like it was some Hitchcock film that had birds in it.
I assumed that squirrels and crows would be natural enemies, I was wrong.
The squirrel and the crows then worked in some sort of duet, and between them dragged out food and sort of shared it.
Crows, as many a horror film has taught us, are evil.
So to me this just proved that squirrels are evil as well.
I left the bench, the whole thing was a little too eerie for me.
My new Ashes book.
Killer Squirrel seen savaging fruit bat and laughing manically
I told you they were evil.
But you do gooders wouldn’t let me kill the fuckers.
The Squirrels are gonna kill you, your family, and use your tooth brush, mark my words.
Look at this article.
They are killing bats, bats, fucken bats, you children are surely next.
“The squirrel had the bat in its mouth, or it was at least biting it, and then the bat went quiet for a while and then starting flapping its wings again.”
Imagine if that was your loved one.
Scary.
Bats are scary fuckers, but this squirrel didn’t care, he was fucken homicidal, and this will only get worse.
While I was in france I saw this:
Watch your back.
Thanks to Simon for the Squirrel killing the bat story. Contrary to popular opinion I don’t troll the net for Squirrel stories.
Services
After my missus (I can now say that in the literal sense) decided that she wanted to go to a 2020 match in Manchester for a honeymoon I was happy.
The game was rained out.
We didn’t even get to see Dirty Dirk bowl.
We made up for it with room service.
Room service is the dog’s testicles.
Then the next day we drove back down from Manchester and on the way back we stopped at a Services.
For those in Australia that is what they call a truck stop like place.
The English ones are set up alot better though.
Rather than one service station, one fast food outlet and some brown stained toilets.
You have a proper variety of places to eat, shit to buy, and pretty clean toilets.
Three things it is hard to get on a road trip in Australia.
I decided on Burger King (known in Australia as Hungry Jacks) and we went outside to eat the food.
Most services are pretty clean.
They have people running around looking after the place all the time.
There are so many of the places they probably have to for the competition.
That is why I was so surprised to share my lunch with a rat.
Not literally, the cheeky fucker wasn’t getting one fucken crumb of my burger.
But while we were out on this decking this rat was coming out every 30 seconds or so to pick up bits of left overs about 4 metres behind my newly betrothed.
I told her, after the first 3 times, only because he was getting closer and knew I would need to evacuate her if he came over to say hello.
In the end he came out about 7 times, and it completely ruined my burgers.
How can you eat when you are on rat watch?
It wasn’t like he was disgusting or anything like that, it was just that he was there, and he was a rat.
On the way out I told one of the cleaning posse about my lunchtime friend.
He didn’t care, but he nodded, a nod of please walk away from me I aint gonna chase this fucken rat away.
I can honestly say I have never eaten with a rat in plain site before.
The odd mouse yes, but this was my first rat, and I had to go into the idyllic English country side to find one.
Still better than a fucken squirrel though.
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